When I was a kid, my parents never really made a big deal about grades. In fact, I can’t recall a single time when they complained, threatened or said anything negative about my performance at school.

I did get good grades, but when I came home with A’s their response was pretty low key. My Mother’s comment was typically something like, “that’s nice, but don’t show the other children because they might feel bad.” And I can still hear my Dad’s voice saying, “I’m very proud of you, but all we ever want is that you do your best.”

But despite my parents encouraging, tolerant attitude, the Voice inside my own head was often harsh. I remember tossing in bed when I was quite small, telling myself that if I didn’t work harder I would fail my math tests.

When I was a teenager, that internal Voice regularly prompted me to keep studying (and moderate my social life). “You’ll flunk!” was a frequent refrain. And that same message echoed in my head through college, grad school and law school. The truth was that if my Voice grew quiet I would find a way to hype it up – I had become dependent on motivating myself with a threatening commentary.

In the working world, for a long time, the messages in my head didn’t change much. Then came a time when I just couldn’t work much harder. I was engaged in a big project, and was traveling from state to state, testifying before commissions and legislatures about the value of small-scale power generation.

Things were moving so quickly that I was never well prepared, and I couldn’t do much about it. In order to offer effective testimony, I needed to sleep well and manage the stress, but my Voice was unrelenting, often keeping me awake.

I finally I realized that I had helped to program the Voice, and it had often been useful, helping me stay at my desk when I’d rather be partying. But while they once had utility, the endless negative messages were undercutting my ability to perform.

So I decided to re-program my internal dialogue. I learned to be alert to the start of the nagging Voice, and to silence the negative messages by repeating mantras along the lines of: “I’m strong, confident and relaxed.”

Now, as a coach, I often notice that clients seem to be tormented by nagging internal messages that once were useful, but now are counter-productive. Are the threats that kept your nose to the grindstone in college still be echoing in your head, even though those negative messages are no longer useful? Once you start to notice your own nagging self-talk, it can be surprisingly easy to change it.

I have begun most of my years with resolutions, and some have been more successful than others. But even when my list of commitments has been forgotten by February, the process has been worthwhile. There were periods in my life when I didn’t devote much time to self-reflection, so starting out a year by taking a close look at myself was a good thing.

As I often do in December, this month I asked some of my clients about what they would like the next year to bring. And I really want to know: what will success look like in 2010? Where do they want to focus their energy this year?

I don’t always frame my New Year’s questions in terms of resolutions, however. I’ve found that the concept of “resolutions” makes some people feel defensive. There are so many responsibilities to juggle already, that the idea of taking on new rules or promises may feel like an unnecessary burden.

Instead I may suggest the approach that works for me, and for others as well. I mentioned in the last post that I use a multi-tab notebook for this process, but different people like different approaches to logging or journaling. Here is what I do:

– I list the spheres of my life – like healthy eating or professional development — where I would like to grow or change.

– For each area I list some standards, commitments or “todo” items. The specifics will vary according to the topic. For example, regarding diet I typically have a list of principles, like “eat the rainbow” and “avoid sugar”. But for something like “upgrade my technology” I might list actual tasks. I don’t assign myself hard deadlines or rules. Instead, my resolution is to remain mindful of the areas where I’d like to do a little better or move forward.

– Each time I take a step, make progress or experience an insight, I make a note. This note taking turns out to be great positive reinforcement. (Sometimes I feel like I’m training myself in the same way I train my yellow lab, with a series of tiny treats.)

– I take a few minutes to look at my notes for each area at least once a month, and often much more frequently. I carry my notebook around in my bag, and look at it when I have a few minutes to kill. If I see that I’ve neglected an area, I don’t worry about it. I let it go, and think about some small step that I might take in the near future.

This week I’ve been looking at the notebook I created early in January 2009. I didn’t transform myself overnight, but I did at least a little something in each sphere. Instead of kicking myself for falling off the wagon in February, I’m feeling good about the steps I did take, and working on my list for 2010.

I’ve been coaching fulltime for about seven years, but I’ve been fascinated by transformation since I was a kid. In serious moments I’m drawn to great thinkers who encourage personal growth, but change doesn’t have to be profound to grab my attention. As a child I sat in church imagining fashion makeovers for the ladies of the congregation, and today I still enjoy “What Not to Wear” reruns.

Part of the fascination with anybody’s story of transformation is this puzzle: why is the change process so difficult to sustain even when we really really want it? How do some people keep moving despite daunting barriers, while the rest of us lose momentum?

Sure, I’ve read shelves of books, and I’ve been working with clients and colleagues since the ‘70s. But today I had pizza for lunch and then spent the afternoon feeling frustrated with my own tendency to falter on the path toward health and fitness.

I want to do better tomorrow, so once again I sat down to make a list of the basics. Here are some things I understand about managing my own change process:

• I need a vision. There is little chance of progress until I have a clear idea of the outcome I want. Some people do well by writing a vision statement describing the future they hope to achieve. Others want something more visual. That could mean a mind map serving as a succinct diagram of the goal state, or a wish board that uses clippings, photos or drawings to portray the stuff of their dreams.

• I have to keep track of progress. Once the vision is in place, I’m more likely to move forward if I maintain a log, noting each step. Today, for example, I probably wouldn’t have ordered that pizza if I were keeping a food diary. The log might take the form of daily journal entries, a spreadsheet or software for maintaining specialized food, exercise or other records.

• I like rewards. I am a big believer in positive reinforcement, and I try not to neglect the practice when structuring my own change efforts. One of the benefits of keeping a log is that it feels so good to report success, and I don’t hesitate to give myself gold stars. And I can fill more comfortable about bigger expenditures and indulgences if I feel that I have somehow earned them.

• The current system: a tabbed notebook. I’ve thought about the options, and considered more rigorous logging systems, but today I decided to stick with the change management approach that often has worked for me. I keep a notebook with multiple sections, each of which represents a sphere of my life. In each section, I list the relevant ways that I would like to grow or change, and I commit to practices specifically aimed at moving me in those directions. When I falter, like today, I note any barriers, and make a new commitment. I don’t berate myself for failures, but I try to capture every achievement, no matter how small. A key, I know, is to visit the notebook regularly, even if I do more reading than writing.

I never tire of working with my clients’ efforts to change, and I would love to hear about yours. What keeps you motivated to keep going, when the path gets tough?