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Number 157

In “Mirroring People,” neuroscientist Marco Iacoboni writes about groundbreaking research into “mirror neurons,” smart cells in our brains that allow us to understand others. When we watch and listen to other people, these remarkable cells in our brains fire in a way that is synchronized with the cells in their brains.

When we’re fully engaged in a conversation, we imitate each other’s expressions and body language. We even automatically negotiate the meaning of certain words, so that we develop a shared understanding that may differ from dictionary definitions.

Iacoboni says “the words and the actions in a conversation tend to be part of a coordinated, joint activity with a common goal.” In effect, our mirror cells can transport us into another’s mind.

While Iacoboni’s book provides a careful look at the research, in “Just Listen” psychiatrist and coach Mark Goulston draws on science in order to offer practical tips for connecting with other people.

Goulston says that not only do we endlessly mirror other people, but also we desperately need to have others mirror us. He writes, “We constantly mirror the world, conforming to its needs, trying to win its love and approval. And each time we mirror the world it creates a little reciprocal hunger to be mirrored back.”

In today’s world, Goulston says, most people walk around with a “deep ache” to be seen, heard and understood. So if you can make someone “feel felt,” he says, you can break down barriers and reach others in ways that can be transformative.

A key to getting through to another person is to listen deeply and be genuinely interested in what he or she is saying. According to Goulston, the first step is to “stop thinking of conversation as a tennis match. (He scored a point. Now I need to score a point.) Instead, think of it as a detective game, in which your goal is to learn as much about the other person as you can.”

Before you can really listen, you need to get out of your own way. Typically when we meet people we put them in a mental box before we even know them. Our tendency to categorize people creates filters that limit our ability to hear them.

The solution, Goulston says, is to “Think about what you’re thinking. When you consciously analyze the ideas you’ve formed about a person and weigh these perceptions against reality, you can rewire your brain and build new, more accurate perceptions.”

When you are able to really listen, you have a tool for dealing with difficult people. Goulston says that most high maintenance, difficult-to-please people feel as if the world isn’t treating them well enough. They don’t feel “felt” or important. “People who complain and cause problems typically have a serious mirror neuron receptor deficit, and the more other people avoid or ignore them, the worse it gets.”

In short, Goulston says, “these people are driving you crazy for a simple reason: they need to matter.” If you want them to stop driving you crazy, you’ll need to satisfy that need. A quick fix can be to tell them that what they are saying is important, and thank them, letting them know that they have made a difference in your life.

Number 156

In “The Inner Game of Stress,” visionary coach Tim Gallwey teams up with two physicians to explore simple practices that can enhance health, productivity and well-being.

The authors explain that stress can threaten many aspects of your physical and psychological health, preventing you from reaching your full potential. Then they describe practices to help you manage stress and overcome barriers to success throughout your life.

A key premise is that we all play games inside our heads, whether we realize it or not. And the stress we experience may stem not just from outer games, like moving ahead at work, but also from the voice in our own mind, which Gallwey calls the “Stress Maker.”

That nagging voice in your head can create upheaval in any situation, making a difficult experience much worse than it needs to be. For example, if you don’t get a plumb assignment, stress may come not so much from the loss of that work as from the story you tell yourself about how your boss’s decision means you’re a loser.

Gallwey illustrates the power of the Stress Maker with an old story about a farmer whose mule breaks down. He decides to ask a neighbor if he can borrow a mule to plow his fields. While walking to the neighbor’s house, he starts to imagine the critical things the neighbor will say, like “Why can’t you take care of your own mule?” He gets so worked up anticipating a negative response that when the neighbor opens the door he punches him, crying, “You bastard!”

The Stress Maker wants you to automatically buy into the worst case. The trick in fighting back is to recognize that voice for what it is. Say to yourself, “That’s not me speaking.” You are the one who is listening, and you can choose to ignore the voice, replacing it with other words.

The more you learn to differentiate the voice of the Stress Maker from yourself, the more relaxed you will feel, and the greater your access to your own wisdom. Gallwey’s “Inner Game” offers a path for escaping from the tyranny of the Stress Maker. He says the Game is based on three principles of learning:

• Awareness. If you know where you are going, simply being aware of where you are now will show you the next steps to take. You can develop awareness by placing attention on your current situation, noticing variables like your attitude and your intentions. You can build self awareness by keeping a log of thoughts, feelings or other observations.
• Choice. To be aware is one choice. You choose to not deny truth. Conscious choice becomes available as soon as you realize that you have it. You have the ability to select your attitude and summon up feelings like gratitude. A useful exercise is to bring your awareness to your unconscious choices, including those that might contribute to your stress level. Then write about your commitment to make alternative choices likely to lead to other outcomes.
• Trust. Awareness tells you where you are. Choice can tell you where you want to be. And trust in your own resources, inner and outer, can help move you there. We trust ourselves naturally, believing that our hearts will beat and our lungs will breathe. But our trust can be threatened when the Stress Maker stimulates self-doubt, anger or confusion. In a challenging circumstance you can address stress by making a list of what you trust in the situation. Reflect on whether it is worthy of trust, and on where your trust may come from.

Gallwey says that in coaching athletes and others, his favorite technique is the STOP tool. The idea is to address a stressful situation by giving yourself a brief “timeout,” much like you would do by counting to 10. The tool is comprised of four parts:

• Step back. Pause, and put some distance between you and the situation.
• Think. Ask what is the truth about what is happening? Notice what is causing you to feel stress in this situation. What are your priorities, options and obstacles?
• Organize your thinking. Describe a plan of action. Identify your next steps.
• Proceed. Move forward, based on your conscious choice. Find clarity, get out of the stress reaction, and only then begin to act.