Blog

Number 153

In Flourish, Dr. Martin Seligman revisits his definition of “positive psychology.” He used to think “that the topic of positive psychology was happiness, and the gold standard for measuring happiness was life satisfaction.”

But living a rich life is about more than being cheerful, and a life of engagement is more involved than maintaining a good mood.

So now, Seligman says, “the topic of positive psychology is well-being and the gold standard for measuring well-being is flourishing, and the goal of positive psychology is to increase flourishing.”

Seligman is not suggesting that we look to medical practitioners to help us live better. He is cynical about the efficacy of drugs and much therapy. Instead he suggests that each of us can choose to flourish, and can learn how to take steps to enhance our state of well-being.

First Seligman offers a theory of what it means to flourish, both in your own life and on the planet. He says that well-being encompasses five measurable features, all of which we can choose to build:

• Positive emotion, including happiness and satisfaction with life.
• Engagement, which is about “flow,” where we lose self-consciousness during an absorbing activity.
• Positive relationships, reflecting that humans are not intended to be solitary and that other people are the best antidote to the downs of life and the single most reliable up.
• Meaning, including belonging to and serving something that you believe is bigger than yourself.
• Achievement, including accomplishments, like games, that are pursued for their own sake, even when there is no meaning.

There is much you can do to be happier and more flourishing. Seligman says that “well-being can be robustly raised” both in your life and in the world.

A starting point is to stop thinking so much about what goes wrong and think more about what goes right. For evolutionary reasons, humans tend to dwell on the negative. As Seligman says, “our ancestors who spent a lot of time basking in the sunshine of good events, when they should have been preparing for disaster, did not survive.”

But our brains’ natural catastrophic bent doesn’t serve us well in daily life, and tends to rob us of happiness. We can develop the skill of focusing on the positive. Seligman suggests a “What-Went-Well-Exercise”:

• Every night for the next week, set aside 10 minutes before you go to sleep, and write down three things that went well today. Writing is an important part of the process, and you do need to create a physical record of what you wrote.
• Next to each positive event, answer the question: “Why did this happen?” For example, if you wrote that your husband picked up ice cream, write “because my husband is really thoughtful sometimes.”
• Even if it feels awkward, try this exercise for a week. And then keep it up. Seligman predicts that, if you keep going, the “odds are that you will be less depressed, happier, and addicted to this exercise six months from now.”

Number 152

Back in the 1970s, to help move women into roles and professions traditionally dominated by men, leading organizations created mentorship programs. The idea was to recruit men to serve not only as guides and advisors but also as champions for women entering ranks that once had been exclusively male.

Over the years, the concept of mentoring has joined the mainstream, but the definition of a “mentor” has changed somewhat. Today the word often refers to one who simply offers guidance and psychological support to a more junior professional colleague. So while mentors offer advice and sympathy, many do not take the extra step of speaking up and championing their mentees when decisions are being made about assignments and compensation.

In September 2010, a Harvard Business Review article inspired many to re-examine how well mentoring programs are working. Using data gathered by Catalyst, the authors concluded that women are more likely than men to have mentors. But men who do have mentors are more likely to benefit than are their female colleagues.

One reason for the difference is that men’s mentors tend to be more senior, and have more clout. And the higher ranking the mentor, the faster the career growth of the mentee.

But more important is that not all mentoring is created equal. There is a special kind of relationship, that the authors called “sponsorship,” which goes beyond advice and coaching. Sponsors, much like the champions envisioned in the early mentoring programs, actually lend their influence and serve as advocates for their mentees. They fight for their protégées and raise their visibility. And, the authors say, “women are overmentored and undersponsored relative to their male peers” and thus they are not advancing in their organizations.

Mentoring relationships can be valuable throughout your career, even when they don’t grow into sponsorship. To get the most from your relationships, consider these suggestions:

• Build real relationships. Mentoring is most effective when it involves a committed relationship between two people. And relationships tend to thrive when both parties make an effort and enjoy some benefit. If you are trying to forge a stronger bond with your mentor, ask yourself what’s in it for them. Can you, the mentee, make the relationship more reciprocal by serving as a source of information and support for your mentor?
• Practice sponsoring and mentoring. To learn how to create better mentoring relationships, look for opportunities to practice. Even if you are at the bottom of your hierarchy at work, you can find mentees through alumni and non-profit networks. As you find ways to make contributions to your mentees, you will get a better sense of how to manage upward and energize your mentors.
• Listen. Whether you are the mentor or mentee, you can foster the relationship by asking questions and genuinely listening to the answers.
• Seek and offer honesty. Sometimes a mentor’s most important contribution is to give constructive feedback. Ask your mentee if they want suggestions for improvement. And ask your mentor to suggest steps that will improve your chances for success. Don’t allow yourself to feel offended by feedback, even if it is hard to swallow, and resist the urge to respond defensively.
• To recruit mentors, request advice. All too often young professionals ask high-ranking colleagues to serve as mentors, are told “yes,” but then nothing happens. Sometimes it is more effective to gradually recruit mentors, building involvement as you learn to know each other. For example, you might approach a senior colleague and say, “I want to get better at X, and I notice that you are great at X, so I wonder if you could give me advice about this X type challenge?”
• To recruit sponsors, request action. Sometimes mentors would be happy to act more like sponsors, but they don’t know where to start or what to do. Make specific requests when you want them to speak up, do your homework about processes and procedures, and make it as easy as possible for them to fight your battles. And don’t ask for action if your mentor doesn’t have the right rank, access or knowledge.
  
  
• Meet regularly. Strong mentoring relationships are immensely valuable and can grow over the years into wonderful friendships. Find ways to meet regularly, even if there is no pressing need, and don’t allow nurturing relationships to fade away.