I did get good grades, but when I came home with A’s their response was pretty low key. My Mother’s comment was typically something like, “that’s nice, but don’t show the other children because they might feel bad.” And I can still hear my Dad’s voice saying, “I’m very proud of you, but all we ever want is that you do your best.”

But despite my parents encouraging, tolerant attitude, the Voice inside my own head was often harsh. I remember tossing in bed when I was quite small, telling myself that if I didn’t work harder I would fail my math tests.

When I was a teenager, that internal Voice regularly prompted me to keep studying (and moderate my social life). “You’ll flunk!” was a frequent refrain. And that same message echoed in my head through college, grad school and law school. The truth was that if my Voice grew quiet I would find a way to hype it up – I had become dependent on motivating myself with a threatening commentary.

In the working world, for a long time, the messages in my head didn’t change much. Then came a time when I just couldn’t work much harder. I was engaged in a big project, and was traveling from state to state, testifying before commissions and legislatures about the value of small-scale power generation.

Things were moving so quickly that I was never well prepared, and I couldn’t do much about it. In order to offer effective testimony, I needed to sleep well and manage the stress, but my Voice was unrelenting, often keeping me awake.

I finally I realized that I had helped to program the Voice, and it had often been useful, helping me stay at my desk when I’d rather be partying. But while they once had utility, the endless negative messages were undercutting my ability to perform.

So I decided to re-program my internal dialogue. I learned to be alert to the start of the nagging Voice, and to silence the negative messages by repeating mantras along the lines of: “I’m strong, confident and relaxed.”

Now, as a coach, I often notice that clients seem to be tormented by nagging internal messages that once were useful, but now are counter-productive. Are the threats that kept your nose to the grindstone in college still be echoing in your head, even though those negative messages are no longer useful? Once you start to notice your own nagging self-talk, it can be surprisingly easy to change it.

Although it appears that each of the four knows how to sustain strong friendships with other women, each believes that she is treated badly, or at least not supported, by older female colleagues. In other words, the women not only say that are they not being mentored, but they believe that their careers may be blocked by other women.

This ezine has sparked a lot of conversation. My younger friends seem to be not surprised by this phenomenon. But women closer to my age are more likely to be saddened and shocked – we have come a long way by supporting each other in the workplace.

I’d be interested to hear your thoughts.

Here’s the ezine link: http://www.clearwaysconsulting.com/ezine-archive/2010/ezine_8_3_10.htm

We started by exploring closets, then began going carefully through each room identifying items that weren’t being used. We tried to take a fresh look at memorabilia and other items that were so familiar that we no longer really saw or appreciated them.

As the momentum built, finding items to pass along became increasingly exciting. I don’t fully understand how clearing clutter can generate new energy and start to be fun, but I know that it can.

In part, there is the good feeling that comes when you give something away to somebody who can use it. But, to be honest, it feels pretty great to simply toss stuff into trash and recycling bins.

Clutter-clearing seems to become most satisfying when we can shift our focus from what we are losing – the various items – to what we are gaining in return, like clean empty space and easier access to the stuff that we decide to keep.

I enjoy the feeling when my clothes closet is a little emptier and I can actually see the garments hanging there easily instead of being crushed into a wrinkled mess. I like opening up space on my bookshelves, rearranging my old favorites and creating room for new additions.

It’s no surprise that I can get a charge out of de-cluttering. In Myers Briggs terms, I am an “ENTJ,” meaning that I am a type of person who likes getting organized.

What has fascinated me as a coach, however, is that getting rid of excess stuff can bring new energy to just about anybody. In fact, the more you resist the idea of attacking that mess, the more benefit you may get from digging in and digging out.

For many people the cleaning process is daunting, and it may take inventive strategies to get you started. One option for reluctant cleaners is to recruit a friend or colleague to work with you, perhaps taking turns in each other’s homes or offices. Or you might even hire a professional organizer to help you begin.

Another useful approach is to break the clean-up project into small bites. Sometimes, for example, I make a game of seeing how much cleaning I can manage in 10 or 15 minutes a day. And I have had clients who have moved mountains of household clutter by dragging it out at the rate of one trash bag per week.

I won’t want to waste Spring on cleaning, but I am pleased to report that continuing our war on clutter is helping us feel energetic as winter drags on.

As I often do in December, this month I asked some of my clients about what they would like the next year to bring. And I really want to know: what will success look like in 2010? Where do they want to focus their energy this year?

I don’t always frame my New Year’s questions in terms of resolutions, however. I’ve found that the concept of “resolutions” makes some people feel defensive. There are so many responsibilities to juggle already, that the idea of taking on new rules or promises may feel like an unnecessary burden.

Instead I may suggest the approach that works for me, and for others as well. I mentioned in the last post that I use a multi-tab notebook for this process, but different people like different approaches to logging or journaling. Here is what I do:

– I list the spheres of my life – like healthy eating or professional development — where I would like to grow or change.

– For each area I list some standards, commitments or “todo” items. The specifics will vary according to the topic. For example, regarding diet I typically have a list of principles, like “eat the rainbow” and “avoid sugar”. But for something like “upgrade my technology” I might list actual tasks. I don’t assign myself hard deadlines or rules. Instead, my resolution is to remain mindful of the areas where I’d like to do a little better or move forward.

– Each time I take a step, make progress or experience an insight, I make a note. This note taking turns out to be great positive reinforcement. (Sometimes I feel like I’m training myself in the same way I train my yellow lab, with a series of tiny treats.)

– I take a few minutes to look at my notes for each area at least once a month, and often much more frequently. I carry my notebook around in my bag, and look at it when I have a few minutes to kill. If I see that I’ve neglected an area, I don’t worry about it. I let it go, and think about some small step that I might take in the near future.

This week I’ve been looking at the notebook I created early in January 2009. I didn’t transform myself overnight, but I did at least a little something in each sphere. Instead of kicking myself for falling off the wagon in February, I’m feeling good about the steps I did take, and working on my list for 2010.

Part of the fascination with anybody’s story of transformation is this puzzle: why is the change process so difficult to sustain even when we really really want it? How do some people keep moving despite daunting barriers, while the rest of us lose momentum?

Sure, I’ve read shelves of books, and I’ve been working with clients and colleagues since the ‘70s. But today I had pizza for lunch and then spent the afternoon feeling frustrated with my own tendency to falter on the path toward health and fitness.

I want to do better tomorrow, so once again I sat down to make a list of the basics. Here are some things I understand about managing my own change process:

• I need a vision. There is little chance of progress until I have a clear idea of the outcome I want. Some people do well by writing a vision statement describing the future they hope to achieve. Others want something more visual. That could mean a mind map serving as a succinct diagram of the goal state, or a wish board that uses clippings, photos or drawings to portray the stuff of their dreams.

• I have to keep track of progress. Once the vision is in place, I’m more likely to move forward if I maintain a log, noting each step. Today, for example, I probably wouldn’t have ordered that pizza if I were keeping a food diary. The log might take the form of daily journal entries, a spreadsheet or software for maintaining specialized food, exercise or other records.

• I like rewards. I am a big believer in positive reinforcement, and I try not to neglect the practice when structuring my own change efforts. One of the benefits of keeping a log is that it feels so good to report success, and I don’t hesitate to give myself gold stars. And I can fill more comfortable about bigger expenditures and indulgences if I feel that I have somehow earned them.

• The current system: a tabbed notebook. I’ve thought about the options, and considered more rigorous logging systems, but today I decided to stick with the change management approach that often has worked for me. I keep a notebook with multiple sections, each of which represents a sphere of my life. In each section, I list the relevant ways that I would like to grow or change, and I commit to practices specifically aimed at moving me in those directions. When I falter, like today, I note any barriers, and make a new commitment. I don’t berate myself for failures, but I try to capture every achievement, no matter how small. A key, I know, is to visit the notebook regularly, even if I do more reading than writing.

I never tire of working with my clients’ efforts to change, and I would love to hear about yours. What keeps you motivated to keep going, when the path gets tough?

As a weight-conscious young teen, I wanted to break the sugar habit, but I wasn’t about to give up my tea. Leaving out the sugar seemed just too hard, but I decided to reduce the amount so gradually that I’d never even miss it. I started by removing a single grain of sugar from one of my normal three heaping teaspoons per cup. Every day I tried to remove a few more grains, and – after more than a year – I had learned to enjoy sugarless tea without a single moment of feeling deprived.

Years later as a campus activist, I wanted to bring about change at my university. I didn’t think I could make much of a difference, but I decided to apply the “sugar grain principle.” I committed myself to take at least one small step a day to toward greater equality for university women.

As it became more difficult to come up with a daily step, I moved further and further out of my comfort zone. Eventually I created a radio program, convened a women’s group, and became the first woman in our MBA program. Ultimately I was the assistant to the president for affirmative action. (For more on that story see: http://www.ohio.edu/outlook/05-06/October/63f-056.cfm )

I kept the sugar grain principle in mind as I worked with women who were eager to move into professional worlds that had long been closed to them. I would urge them to envision the careers they really wanted, and then start taking steps, without worrying too much about the length or course of the ultimate path.

It wasn’t until years later that I discovered that “Kaizen” is the term that more learned folks use to describe the technique of creating big change with very tiny steps. The Kaizen approach to achieving excellence was rooted in the early days of World War II, when doing more with less was a patriotic mandate for U.S. manufacturers. After the war, Dr. W. Edwards Deming took American ideas for continuous improvement to Japan, where they quickly became part of the business culture.

“Kaizen” is roughly translated as “improvement,” and in management discussions the term generally refers to “continued and gradual improvement.” In a Kaizen company, improving all processes and providing better service to customers is everybody’s job, and even the most modest suggestion for better performance receives consideration.

For individuals, Kaizen means that very small steps can lead to sweeping change. Even if you face serious obstacles, you can move toward big goals by starting with the tiniest imaginable steps. For example, you can apply Kaizen in your personal life by launching a fitness program with just one minute of walking each day.

Proponents of positive psychology say that Kaizen works so well because it overcomes fear and resistance to change, it subdues negativity, and it builds new neural pathways. You can start the Kaizen process by defining your goal and then asking yourself: “What tiny step can I take toward that goal?” Here are examples of how you might apply Kaizen in your life:

• To reduce your caffeine addiction, mix a little bit of decaf into your regular cup of coffee, and then gradually change the proportions over time.
• To rebuild your network, start by making just one phone call to a new or neglected contact each week.
• To find a new job, commit to taking just one very small step every day. A “step” might be mailing off a resume, touching base with a former colleague, or signing up with an on-line placement service. To meet your one-a-day goal you’ll probably have to get creative, and the resulting long shots may turn out to be the most valuable steps of all.
• To clean up the stacks of paper in your office, see how much progress you can make in sorting through a single pile for just one minute a day. Make a game of it, gradually increasing the length of your daily clean-up sessions, and racing through as much clutter as possible in the allotted time.
• To establish a meditation practice, start by focusing on your breath for a minute a day.
• To become more productive, ask yourself each day: “What small thing can I do to be more efficient than I was yesterday?”

• To defuse conflict with a colleague, each workday ask yourself: “What is one thing that I appreciate about this person?”

• To reduce your daunting TODO list, ask: “What annoying task can I get out of the way today?” By training yourself to regularly spot and tackle small problems, you can avoid some big messes.

If you want to read more, consider “One Small Step Can Change Your Life – The Kaizen Way,” by psychologist Robert Maurer. With this readable little book, Maurer introduces the Kaizen approach to management, and illustrates how Kaizen techniques can help you to reach your goals and achieve excellence in your personal life, as well as in business.
The science, Maurer says, is irrefutable: Small steps can circumvent the brain’s built-in resistance to new behavior. And the same approach, he says, can help you improve your attitude. For example, if you tend to berate yourself he suggests that you ask: “What is one thing that I like about myself today?”
Years ago I heard Maurer lecture about Kaizen. When he asked the audience for real life examples, I offered my sugar grain experience. It was fun to the see that, with a few changes in the facts, he included my story in his book.

Lately I’ve been teaching quite a few seminars on leadership. Each time I start to put together a program for a new group, I rethink the best way to introduce the topic.

There are so many great books out there (many of the 50 or so favorites reviewed on my website touch upon the topic). But leadership is like love – sometimes we know it when we see it, but it’s complex, slippery to define and challenging to study or teach.

What I keep getting back to is that if we wish to become better leaders, we can’t simply borrow a formula from experts. Instead, each of us must develop our own vision of what leadership looks like.

My own vision of the concept is that leadership isn’t so much about what we do, as about what we are. And in many respects we can choose what we are, and what we want to become. Furthermore, when we don’t get it right, we can always try again.

Here are more aspects of what I think it takes to be a leader:

• Growth
o Your development as a leader is tied to your development as a person.
o To lead change effectively, you must be engaged in changing yourself.
o To look like a leader in the workplace, demonstrate that you can manage yourself. Routinely practice managing your emotions, your energy, your time and your priorities.

• Self awareness
o Management guru Daniel Goleman’s research demonstrated that great leaders are distinguished from the mediocre ones by their level of “emotional intelligence.” And the most important emotional competence is self awareness – knowing your internal states, preferences, resources and intuitions.
o Among the ways to improve self awareness are writing in a journal, developing a meditation practice or working with a coach.

• Being positive
o A leader’s attitude has an enormous impact on the team. Most people are more productive when they are around positive people.
o In the workplace, positive feedback is more effective than negative feedback in promoting change or fostering productivity.
o Even if you were born a pessimist, you can learn to be more upbeat and optimistic.

• Mindfulness
o When we are mindful, we are actually listening to and focusing upon the people around us. We feel centered, rather than bored or disconnected.
o We all engage in mindless activity, like when we’re driving our car and realize that we can’t recall the last few miles. And we see that others are mindless, like the guy at the meeting who is playing with his BlackBerry instead of listening to the discussion.
o Research shows that other people can tell whether or not our state is mindful. If our team members sense that we are present, they are more likely to see us as genuine and charismatic leaders.
o We can encourage mindfulness in the way we frame our tasks, focus on process instead of just on outcome, and make an effort to actively listen.

• Kaizen
o This Japanese management term includes the idea that very small steps can lead to sweeping change. Even if you face serious obstacles, you can move toward big goals by starting with the tiniest imaginable steps.
o To start a big project, take just one small step forward, and then commit to another small step every day this week. For example, you can apply Kaizen in your personal life by launching a fitness program with just five minutes of walking each day.

• Service
o Leadership may begin with the feeling that one wants to serve, perhaps to help others to succeed and to grow.
o “Servant leadership” emphasizes collaboration, trust, empathy, and the ethical use of power.

• Organization
o Values such as compassion are not enough to assure successful leadership. To achieve their goals, effective leaders develop work habits and systems associated with productivity.
Tools like calendars, “to-do” lists and planning forms might work well at one stage of your career but be insufficient as you move up the hierarchy. It is useful to periodically review our systems, and ask whether new approaches might bring greater productivity.

• Energy
o To be at their best, leaders must manage not just their time but also their energy.
o Physical energy is linked to exercise, nutrition and stress management.
o Other sources of energy include one’s family, community and social activity, fun, creative pursuits intellectual challenge and spiritual life.