When I was a kid, my parents never really made a big deal about grades. In fact, I can’t recall a single time when they complained, threatened or said anything negative about my performance at school.

I did get good grades, but when I came home with A’s their response was pretty low key. My Mother’s comment was typically something like, “that’s nice, but don’t show the other children because they might feel bad.” And I can still hear my Dad’s voice saying, “I’m very proud of you, but all we ever want is that you do your best.”

But despite my parents encouraging, tolerant attitude, the Voice inside my own head was often harsh. I remember tossing in bed when I was quite small, telling myself that if I didn’t work harder I would fail my math tests.

When I was a teenager, that internal Voice regularly prompted me to keep studying (and moderate my social life). “You’ll flunk!” was a frequent refrain. And that same message echoed in my head through college, grad school and law school. The truth was that if my Voice grew quiet I would find a way to hype it up – I had become dependent on motivating myself with a threatening commentary.

In the working world, for a long time, the messages in my head didn’t change much. Then came a time when I just couldn’t work much harder. I was engaged in a big project, and was traveling from state to state, testifying before commissions and legislatures about the value of small-scale power generation.

Things were moving so quickly that I was never well prepared, and I couldn’t do much about it. In order to offer effective testimony, I needed to sleep well and manage the stress, but my Voice was unrelenting, often keeping me awake.

I finally I realized that I had helped to program the Voice, and it had often been useful, helping me stay at my desk when I’d rather be partying. But while they once had utility, the endless negative messages were undercutting my ability to perform.

So I decided to re-program my internal dialogue. I learned to be alert to the start of the nagging Voice, and to silence the negative messages by repeating mantras along the lines of: “I’m strong, confident and relaxed.”

Now, as a coach, I often notice that clients seem to be tormented by nagging internal messages that once were useful, but now are counter-productive. Are the threats that kept your nose to the grindstone in college still be echoing in your head, even though those negative messages are no longer useful? Once you start to notice your own nagging self-talk, it can be surprisingly easy to change it.

I have begun most of my years with resolutions, and some have been more successful than others. But even when my list of commitments has been forgotten by February, the process has been worthwhile. There were periods in my life when I didn’t devote much time to self-reflection, so starting out a year by taking a close look at myself was a good thing.

As I often do in December, this month I asked some of my clients about what they would like the next year to bring. And I really want to know: what will success look like in 2010? Where do they want to focus their energy this year?

I don’t always frame my New Year’s questions in terms of resolutions, however. I’ve found that the concept of “resolutions” makes some people feel defensive. There are so many responsibilities to juggle already, that the idea of taking on new rules or promises may feel like an unnecessary burden.

Instead I may suggest the approach that works for me, and for others as well. I mentioned in the last post that I use a multi-tab notebook for this process, but different people like different approaches to logging or journaling. Here is what I do:

– I list the spheres of my life – like healthy eating or professional development — where I would like to grow or change.

– For each area I list some standards, commitments or “todo” items. The specifics will vary according to the topic. For example, regarding diet I typically have a list of principles, like “eat the rainbow” and “avoid sugar”. But for something like “upgrade my technology” I might list actual tasks. I don’t assign myself hard deadlines or rules. Instead, my resolution is to remain mindful of the areas where I’d like to do a little better or move forward.

– Each time I take a step, make progress or experience an insight, I make a note. This note taking turns out to be great positive reinforcement. (Sometimes I feel like I’m training myself in the same way I train my yellow lab, with a series of tiny treats.)

– I take a few minutes to look at my notes for each area at least once a month, and often much more frequently. I carry my notebook around in my bag, and look at it when I have a few minutes to kill. If I see that I’ve neglected an area, I don’t worry about it. I let it go, and think about some small step that I might take in the near future.

This week I’ve been looking at the notebook I created early in January 2009. I didn’t transform myself overnight, but I did at least a little something in each sphere. Instead of kicking myself for falling off the wagon in February, I’m feeling good about the steps I did take, and working on my list for 2010.

I’ve been coaching fulltime for about seven years, but I’ve been fascinated by transformation since I was a kid. In serious moments I’m drawn to great thinkers who encourage personal growth, but change doesn’t have to be profound to grab my attention. As a child I sat in church imagining fashion makeovers for the ladies of the congregation, and today I still enjoy “What Not to Wear” reruns.

Part of the fascination with anybody’s story of transformation is this puzzle: why is the change process so difficult to sustain even when we really really want it? How do some people keep moving despite daunting barriers, while the rest of us lose momentum?

Sure, I’ve read shelves of books, and I’ve been working with clients and colleagues since the ‘70s. But today I had pizza for lunch and then spent the afternoon feeling frustrated with my own tendency to falter on the path toward health and fitness.

I want to do better tomorrow, so once again I sat down to make a list of the basics. Here are some things I understand about managing my own change process:

• I need a vision. There is little chance of progress until I have a clear idea of the outcome I want. Some people do well by writing a vision statement describing the future they hope to achieve. Others want something more visual. That could mean a mind map serving as a succinct diagram of the goal state, or a wish board that uses clippings, photos or drawings to portray the stuff of their dreams.

• I have to keep track of progress. Once the vision is in place, I’m more likely to move forward if I maintain a log, noting each step. Today, for example, I probably wouldn’t have ordered that pizza if I were keeping a food diary. The log might take the form of daily journal entries, a spreadsheet or software for maintaining specialized food, exercise or other records.

• I like rewards. I am a big believer in positive reinforcement, and I try not to neglect the practice when structuring my own change efforts. One of the benefits of keeping a log is that it feels so good to report success, and I don’t hesitate to give myself gold stars. And I can fill more comfortable about bigger expenditures and indulgences if I feel that I have somehow earned them.

• The current system: a tabbed notebook. I’ve thought about the options, and considered more rigorous logging systems, but today I decided to stick with the change management approach that often has worked for me. I keep a notebook with multiple sections, each of which represents a sphere of my life. In each section, I list the relevant ways that I would like to grow or change, and I commit to practices specifically aimed at moving me in those directions. When I falter, like today, I note any barriers, and make a new commitment. I don’t berate myself for failures, but I try to capture every achievement, no matter how small. A key, I know, is to visit the notebook regularly, even if I do more reading than writing.

I never tire of working with my clients’ efforts to change, and I would love to hear about yours. What keeps you motivated to keep going, when the path gets tough?

My parents are New Zealanders, with deep British roots. When we were growing up, English-style tea parties were the family’s standard form of celebration. Even the smallest child was free to enjoy a cup of tea, loaded up with lots of milk and sugar.

As a weight-conscious young teen, I wanted to break the sugar habit, but I wasn’t about to give up my tea. Leaving out the sugar seemed just too hard, but I decided to reduce the amount so gradually that I’d never even miss it. I started by removing a single grain of sugar from one of my normal three heaping teaspoons per cup. Every day I tried to remove a few more grains, and – after more than a year – I had learned to enjoy sugarless tea without a single moment of feeling deprived.

Years later as a campus activist, I wanted to bring about change at my university. I didn’t think I could make much of a difference, but I decided to apply the “sugar grain principle.” I committed myself to take at least one small step a day to toward greater equality for university women.

As it became more difficult to come up with a daily step, I moved further and further out of my comfort zone. Eventually I created a radio program, convened a women’s group, and became the first woman in our MBA program. Ultimately I was the assistant to the president for affirmative action. (For more on that story see: http://www.ohio.edu/outlook/05-06/October/63f-056.cfm )

I kept the sugar grain principle in mind as I worked with women who were eager to move into professional worlds that had long been closed to them. I would urge them to envision the careers they really wanted, and then start taking steps, without worrying too much about the length or course of the ultimate path.

It wasn’t until years later that I discovered that “Kaizen” is the term that more learned folks use to describe the technique of creating big change with very tiny steps. The Kaizen approach to achieving excellence was rooted in the early days of World War II, when doing more with less was a patriotic mandate for U.S. manufacturers. After the war, Dr. W. Edwards Deming took American ideas for continuous improvement to Japan, where they quickly became part of the business culture.

“Kaizen” is roughly translated as “improvement,” and in management discussions the term generally refers to “continued and gradual improvement.” In a Kaizen company, improving all processes and providing better service to customers is everybody’s job, and even the most modest suggestion for better performance receives consideration.

For individuals, Kaizen means that very small steps can lead to sweeping change. Even if you face serious obstacles, you can move toward big goals by starting with the tiniest imaginable steps. For example, you can apply Kaizen in your personal life by launching a fitness program with just one minute of walking each day.

Proponents of positive psychology say that Kaizen works so well because it overcomes fear and resistance to change, it subdues negativity, and it builds new neural pathways. You can start the Kaizen process by defining your goal and then asking yourself: “What tiny step can I take toward that goal?” Here are examples of how you might apply Kaizen in your life:

• To reduce your caffeine addiction, mix a little bit of decaf into your regular cup of coffee, and then gradually change the proportions over time.
• To rebuild your network, start by making just one phone call to a new or neglected contact each week.
• To find a new job, commit to taking just one very small step every day. A “step” might be mailing off a resume, touching base with a former colleague, or signing up with an on-line placement service. To meet your one-a-day goal you’ll probably have to get creative, and the resulting long shots may turn out to be the most valuable steps of all.
• To clean up the stacks of paper in your office, see how much progress you can make in sorting through a single pile for just one minute a day. Make a game of it, gradually increasing the length of your daily clean-up sessions, and racing through as much clutter as possible in the allotted time.
• To establish a meditation practice, start by focusing on your breath for a minute a day.
• To become more productive, ask yourself each day: “What small thing can I do to be more efficient than I was yesterday?”

• To defuse conflict with a colleague, each workday ask yourself: “What is one thing that I appreciate about this person?”

• To reduce your daunting TODO list, ask: “What annoying task can I get out of the way today?” By training yourself to regularly spot and tackle small problems, you can avoid some big messes.

If you want to read more, consider “One Small Step Can Change Your Life – The Kaizen Way,” by psychologist Robert Maurer. With this readable little book, Maurer introduces the Kaizen approach to management, and illustrates how Kaizen techniques can help you to reach your goals and achieve excellence in your personal life, as well as in business.
The science, Maurer says, is irrefutable: Small steps can circumvent the brain’s built-in resistance to new behavior. And the same approach, he says, can help you improve your attitude. For example, if you tend to berate yourself he suggests that you ask: “What is one thing that I like about myself today?”
Years ago I heard Maurer lecture about Kaizen. When he asked the audience for real life examples, I offered my sugar grain experience. It was fun to the see that, with a few changes in the facts, he included my story in his book.